So I guess I'll start off by saying that I'm sorry I'm not really around anymore. Going to art school is.....draining, to say the least. I've developed carpal tunnel syndrome in my right arm, and training myself to be ambidextrous is proving more difficult than I initially believed it would be. It only gets more stressful knowing I still have one more art project to finish that requires steady hands (2/3 down, one to go!). So my art might be awful when I come back, just because I might be using a different hand to draw.
Anyways, enough negativity on that front.
Also, I don't know how many of you are aware of this, but I'm sure that there is a handful of you whom I have been in contact with in the recent months/years whom have learned of this; I've been depressed.
I've gotten help for it, and I can certainly take care of myself on my own now, but for a really really long time, it was very bad. I used to be such an angry person. I would lash out at people for no reason. I would cry a lot. I would beat myself up and put myself down. I held grudges and refused forgiveness to some people over petty things. It took me blowing up at one of the people I hold most dearest to me to realize that I really did need to get help. So I did.
Recovery is a weird thing. It feels like you're becoming someone who isn't you. When you're depressed, it feels like it's the only thing that makes you who you are. Like without it, you wouldn't be you. It was scary, the first couple of sessions. I thought I was making the wrong choice. But I kept looking back on how horrible I was to myself and to others, and that was what kept me on the right track, I suppose. The fear that I would lose the people I cared about if I didn't do something about how I was feeling.
A while ago, my therapist said that I had improved to the point that I could move on to scheduling appointments "as-needed". Obviously, I was thrilled to hear this. I certainly think I have improved in my demeanor. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hold onto negative things like I used to. I can control my anxiety. Whenever I think something bad about myself, I stop and think ten good things.
I know I'll never be able to make it up to the people that I hurt by allowing myself to be so negative. I know I've driven some people away. I know I've made some people hate me. I'll never stop being sorry about that, but I also know that there's nothing I can do to go back and change things. I can only move forward.
Anyways.... I think there was a point to me making this journal, but I sort of forgot what it was. I guess what I want you guys to take away from this is that getting help isn't a bad thing. I used to think that I could get over my depression on my own just because I beat an eating disorder in high school by myself. The thing is, those two battles were very different from each other. What works in one scenario doesn't always work in another.
Just know that if you feel the same way I did; hopeless, unloved, worthless, angry, depressed, self-hating, that getting help might be in your interest. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you a loser. It makes you brave, I think. And it moves you one step in the right direction, and that's what's most important.
I guess I'll leave off here. I have some comics that I've been working on that I'm going to upload. They're on hold right now because of finals, but they should be out over winter break. So you guys have something to look forward to, at least.
Well, that's all I've got for you guys tonight.
I love all of you, okay? You're all wonderful, and it makes me happy knowing I have watchers who are as awesome as all of you.
Stay gold, friends!